destitution

when the mind wants everythin!

2010-12-06T12:05:00.002+05:30

Its kinda 'not so good feeling' when the mind wants everything. Ill come to that in a bit, jus noticed that i havent blogged in a while. Unlike a lot other bloggers whoblog almost all the time, i have realised that i am one o those who only blogs when she is upset, down or jus plain jobless. not good!! sorry blogspot. I promise ( as every other time) that i will blog more often, and not jus in sad times.
Last weekend was fun. did a lot of things, activities rather which i have been avoiding for a while. I went to see the midival punditz play. Brilliant orchestration of the most simple tunes. they almost always manage to amaze me with their creativity and the very subtle (but almost defining) indianness of their music. I like, hands down. smoked some, drank some. had a good time. met virmani after ages. yeah, we had a bit of a fallin apart a couple o months back, over sm insignificant issue. so he called, and apologized. and so the 'midival' timed meeting. Moments like these restore your feelings for friendship and kinship. the fact that we all need 'buddies' to keep us going. innit?? that was friday eve by the way. and then saturday i went to my dearest friend sonal's rooftop party. Now that was exactly the kinda eve i have come arnd to love. nice group of close friends. stoned, not drunk! good vibes..brilliant sufi music..and the best part...a nice warming bon fire! Niraj was also with me and so it was nice! i was missing this. u know! to meet other ppl and feel good abt the whole time. smtims its a culmination of events arnd u that makes u feel brilliant!! maybe a remark, and the background music...get the mix of things u know! and to top it all the weekend was iced with a bit of shopping. so in went two super good looking jackets, and belts (for niraj) and couple of tid bits.
i think i have written quite a bit. and that too without cribbing!! good start to the week!! later...

Glasgow

2009-03-11T10:49:00.002+05:30

with time comes changes..and i dunno how many of u will b with me on this..but i remember the cassette..the tape..(video killed the radio star)..its true..the other day, one o ma friends was unloading some old junk from her place, and guess wat we found..a tape player..fuck..a TAPE player..we were excited..never mind that we were bewildered by our discovery..it was crazy..exhilirating..bringing wit it a plethora of memories..from how we used to exchange tapes from our friends, how we used a pen o pencil to fast forward the tape to our fav song, how we took ages lookin for it never the less...oh god...
we decided we had to get it workin...it was, but all that we really needed was a cassette to go in, and considerin we were in the techno era, this was a mommoth task. so after three long weeks and announcing prizes, we finally discovered a very old tape of Queen. even though the song were all tripped out, it was still manna to our ears. since then, we have spent innumerable number of coffee cups (o in my case, coke cans) over listenin to the tape player and reminiscing our old times.
its been brilliant..retro times!!!

stages

2008-10-31T05:39:00.002+05:30

jus a thot..i think all love s got stages..and its wierd the way it follows..
1) interest
2)likeness
3)obsession
4)love
5)loss of interest
6)repulsion

and then there is a time, a platform where the two meet but there is nothin except memories..and sometimes they are bad and sometimes they are beautiful..but there is always a lingerin soft corner..
but one moves on..yeah?

rainbow

2008-10-19T04:21:00.002+05:30

its not really about rainbow here..but its somewher close..its interesting how a rainbow can be used to mark the end of the rain..sadness as also to indicate happiness and hope..so yeah needless to say i wouldn mind seeing a rainbow..god why do i always go off track?? no idea..
past few months have been a rainbow of sorts for me. its like i am leading someone else s life with no real emotions and feelings passing through me. i am experiencing so many things that it all feels like i am cruising.. at a very high speed through rough and placid waters. and it feels awesom. i feel good.
all my life i have dreamed of travelling.. to far off places and finaly i feel like i am doing that. i am in glasgow. and i actually find myself budgeting for trip for a roadtrip through europe. fun huh..it is. jus thinking about it gives me the goosebumps. and its awesom.
glasgow is culture..a plethora of different cultures and nationality..meeting a variety of people everyday..mostly greeks but they are fun people so its cool and nigerians and ukrainians and russians and..a whole gamut of people.
apart from that..there is me..i feel like one of those shots of movies where there is one guy in the centre and everyone is moving around him with an amzin speed. yeah i am the guy in the centre..lost??no no..i am okay..not lost really..i am good. in hold of my senses and ma wants..holdin my roots tightly, not gonna let go of that..so even if there are several shots of absynthe and stuff thrown in here and there..its okay..coz me not flyin off..he he..god i really can talk to myself huh..
i am gonna write a more objective blog sometime..full with pictures and stuff but thats gonna be later.
for now..can i crib please..coz i mostly blog when i have to crib big time,and there is no human ear anywher close..he he..so here goes..
there is already a guy who likes me..i have kissed him but i have told him i dont like him..and he is okay wit the idea . he said he will let go of me willingly if i start likin someone else..funny huh..i think so too..but the kisses are good...god!!!
and then there is this other guy who likes me too...but then again i dont like him..not much as a prospect anyway..so there
now wats fuckin my head in the whole thing is(jus when u were beginning to think.wats there to crib in this?) that feel like i need an anchor in my life..not boastin but there have been so many guys who like me..but jus for once i wanna fall for someone..and not have him beggin for a relationship..if u know what i mean..like..when will it happen that even i find the guy irresistible who finds me irrisistible??is that gonna take a real long time??coz its been ages since that happened..is this wrong?? i am tired of being sweet to guys who end up liking me..and even thinkin of havin a relationship wit them jus so they dont get fucked up or depressed or the like..
hope u gettin the point..dont think so,but thats okay..jus writing this is clearin my head so thats cool..think i have written too much..laterssssss

long weekend

2008-03-24T16:31:00.002+05:30

..he he he..i am just writing this for the heck of telling u guys how lazy could i get.. i had like a three days off..long weekend off because of good friday and holi and all that...yeah i made plans..well lets see.. first on the list was Goa..the unbeatable destination for ultimate nirvana..THE getaway.. but yeah..TEN hourse away..it got struck out from my " lets go" list at the very beginning..then came Gokarana..damn do i miss that place..but what will i go there and do alone???so nah..not there either..second casuality..the coorg...i would have needed an umbrella ,a wind cheater and a nice romantic company to go there with..and i was lacking in all these..so that too was a goner...the list went on..and then..ha..at the end of the awesom three days..i was still in the bed..lazying away...without a shower..and trust me that was bliss too..so even though i am an "OUTDOORS" person...chilling at home i realised is not that bad after all..damn..only if i had a television..

and guess wat me thinks arun is like the best company for all this lazying..he considers it against his relegion to wake up anyone who is sleeping..and that suits me just fine...and then he will actually get me anything i want from the market so i get home delivery of smokes...coke...and what not...yeah yeah..i know..basically..three days..beautiful and awesom..peaceful..thank you audience...latersssss

2008-01-23T18:18:00.000+05:30

hey.. thought its imerative that i write today..comes after a long time.. but yeah..here right now.. days crawl and months seem to just fly by..feels like that happens all the time..
i am in my first job..quite settled in( if not completely) and this feels good.. to be answerable to only yourself.. the responsibility of it all.. its exhilirating.. i mean seriously.. ill tell you what comes in the package..i am living with three of my friends and so managing the house, paying the rent and getting food..paying elctricity bills..washing clothes..man i seem to be doing it all and it feels awesom... apart from that coming to work every day and handling that.. i finally feel like i have come of age.. and when there is no one really to handle the emotonal part of u.. u really realise what it is to HANDLE everything all by yourself... but trust me for once i am not complaining.
i do miss the old times though..that was fun..and i was myself in a ot of ways.. hate becoming what i am becoming today.. but i guess its a part of the whole thing.. wat say.. i need to push for home now so ill see you later..

new thoughts

2007-11-05T11:08:00.001+05:30

so wats been up with me?? he he..good question and i think just to make this a lil more systematic i am gonna go point wise...

1. i moved to bangalore..bag and baggage..and its good..so far so good anyways..came here for suhail and the weather..the weather still mystifies me every time but there is no trace of suhail..not that i am not to blame for that..but i made some choices in life finally and so far been sticking to it..( so not me)..so that makes me single and available..ahem..did i jus say available..nah..not just yet i am not..dont wanna start all over with that thing again..

but i forgot to give the intro to my beautiful setting..me sitting in my office with the god blessed free net services and plenty of time and joblessness..that clubbed with coffee..(yeah i started drinking that lately with much enthusiasm..realised its cheaper than coke..) it makes an awesom setting..

bangalore is a nice place..too much traffic..snaking through it every day after work can be stressing..trust me..but otherwise i think i have found a part of my peace...lots to explore still..been dying to push myself through this maze of work and home responsibilities to go to nandi hills..apparently a hill station in south india...will do it soon

2. work front...well well ..wat to say???work is work after all..never wanted to be here..a typical life of working from nine to nine..and taking peanuts home in monetary terms..thats a typical hotel job for ya..but its good coz i am still learning..and so every day brings on somethin new for sure..and thats all i am gonna write about the WORK part of it.

3. shifted to a new place..ill tel u about that may be in a separate ..far more elaborate blog some other time..coz there are so many emotions attached with that..trust me there is..

anyways..i think office is a bad place to write a blog..my phone seems to be ringing constantly and the ' official mails' seems to be endless...

i dont believe this..i am actually a part of this god forsaken corporate world??? pathetic..seriously..

later alligator..fuck..wats wrong with me...hee hee

ha ha ha

2007-06-01T01:14:00.000+05:30

this is crazy..i am crazy..nothin much to say jus that i keep gettin butterflies in my tummy these days..a lot..he he..like when i speak to clint..he he..or when i think of havin to leave del for always and movin to some unknown town..all these are unprecedented emotions and they feel like satin(if u know wat i mean)..
is this really wat we call takin life head on..dunno but at the moment i am open to watever life has to offer me..absolutely..metamorphose me into an angel..ha..that will b somethin..gotta go..later yo

in smoke

2007-05-15T00:17:00.000+05:30

the journey of life starts with a cry,
throughout our life looking for the best high.
holding our screams,hiding tears inside,
watch carefully with wide open eyes.
tomorrow that beholds darkness of fear,
past filled with memories and dried tears.
looking for answers that we ll never find,
noone really cares much,well nevermind.
the real you and me sleeps inntoxicated,stoned,
living in man made jungle,sometimes called home.
dying again in agony,pain,tears and we cry,
wasted all our life,looking for the best HIGH

long time

2007-05-14T01:28:00.000+05:30

its been ages that i came here..actually had to get a new password(had forgotten my old one)its wierd that i always come here when i am in my most wierd mood ever..its crazy but writin here helps so thats cool i guess..
to update u on wats happenin wit me over the past few months..well..i kinda finished my college life..it was good now to look back..i learnt quite a bit..mostly about people..and about life and solitude and relationships..(yeah nothin to do wit education)..got a job wit the taj hotels in the sales and marketing dept..its okay..still wondering if thats wher i wanna be..coz seriously i am not excited about it..not even apprehensive..nothin drawin a blank as far as that is concerned..
totally lost touch wit my guy..broke up..goin through a nasty time wher that is concerned..i miss him..ha ha ha..
got real close to this friend of mine...was gettin there since ages i think..finally we are on a pedestal..both of us together this time..
left my fav slippers back in the hostel(trust me that hurts)
i miss hostel and mostly my life back there..its crazy when suddenly after a long time of atayin away from home u come back..everythin seems very alien..and u need to retune urself to wat is required out here..its like..everytime i am sittin they are like why u upset which i am not but then whose gonna explain that..and then relatives askin " so why u wearin a toe ring..or so wher do u plan to go from here on..or when u gonna get married"..oh fuck its crazy
my mother is the sweetest though..
ill tell u why i got down to writin this..cause i think i suck at relationships...i fucked up my first guy s life..its been five years since we stopped seeing each other..he seems to have found home in a rehab..my second guy who i love like hell is also gone now..
after gettin back home and constantly goin oput to be wit my frnds for three days i thot i will stay at home jus sp ma who is alone at home(without a car to move arnd in) should not feel lonely even after her daughter has come back..and then i realise she is still not happy..cause i am fallin short somewher(mayb cause i dont talk a lot)..
jeeth..my fav frnd..well i single handedly fucked his life..he used to like me a lot..and i jus couldnt give myself to him coz i always had my guy suhail in my head..so well me and jeeth got close..i used to talk to him about everythin..he became my support system..like wat was i thinkin when i got so close..and then coz he couldnt have me as his girl..he kinda lost it..fuck i am so sorry..i am so sorry ...i didnt want it to turn like that..shit..so thats fucked up too..
i never had a relationship wit my sister so to say..she has always been closer to my cousin than me..i lost out
and then there is thomas..who i adore..but i make him upset too...even though i want him to be really happy in life..i dunno man..i think i suck big time
i wanted suhail also to be set and happy like i had seen him in first year and well all that i did in our four years relationship is fuck him inside out..
akshat..he was this awesom frnd i had..still do i think..we stood by each other through everythin..and then it got fucked..we spaced out..
this is not a guilt trip..its jus a summary of my relationships..and my state of mind..jus a small angle to it..
i hope in future i jus dont get into deep relationshipd coz then i know i am gonna fuck it up big time..like these ppl are who matter to me the most..and this is wher i stand wit all of them.
i dunno man..this is crazy..i really do suck at relationships

2007-02-28T19:34:00.000+05:30

i really am on a higher level at the moment.jus came back from home...suddenly feel like i am above all complications life could throw at me.been wrong,been right...explained myself to people i care and couldnt care enough for others..that sounds simple..and well it is.not explainin anymore.life could not get simpler.ha ha ha..and so i feel like laughin...i AM wierd..when did i claim i was not???sometimes it baffles me the stuff that i can come up with..later

transition

2006-12-24T18:57:00.000+05:30

considerin the fact that my last blog was sometime in september..i felt its high time to share my thoughts definitely once before this year draws to a close..this year my final in college has been pretty smooth..a cople of major setbacks early in the year but slowed down and now its runnin jus fine..
but then the final year of anythin i guess comes wit a lot of confusing decisions..i jus went for my interview wit the Taj a couple of days back..got through the sales devision..ya exactly wat i wanted..but then again didnt i want to go to australia for higher studies..and then here i am after gettin wat i wanted jus as confused as ever..blame my indecisiveness..my mother is of the opinion that i should start puttin an effort towards wat ever i want perhaps then ill appreciate things better after gettin them..but then my point is .if i am gettin them without putting any effort then wat the hell..might as well sit back and enjoy it right??but then that makes me feel a little more wierd coz a start thinkin of all those people who put in so much effort(standin in front of the mirror and practising their speech)and still not gettin anywher..quite pathetic a must say...but dunoo..life is wat it is..so well ill go wit the flow(as always)..my food is here..later yo...trust me there is loads to write in my head..this thing is gonna pull me sooner than i think

simulation

2006-09-21T22:08:00.000+05:30

its wierd but if u think about it..perhaps u will know wat i am talkin about here...i believe that perhaps after all life is jus another simulation...its like this another world and not true..for all u know..our dream world is wher we actually are real entities..thats wher our real existense is and this so called life is wat we have as a source of learnin..an experience to understand and analyse..to learn from and better our so called real life..its funny..but its definitely true...atleast it stands that ways for me..
i also,as an after thought believe that the purpose of existense is to analyse our surroundings and real and a higher motif to life..it cant be just this..procreation and subsistense..its not this..there is more to life..simple acts of love and caring can be done by animals also..u dont really need to have brains to do all that..it all comes from the heart ..doesnt it??that power has given us brains for something better..to know and hopefully in one life attain that higher purpose of life...as to wat is the higher purpose of my life??..i am lookin..search me and all ull get it is simple confusin and a mind bogglin unease..an empty pith..a dark hole..relationships..socializing and 'making love',...it gives u peace of mind..and happiness..but it has to lead to a higher entity..perhaps i could write a book on wat i am thinkin right now..coz there is so much to say...but perhaps i should jus let it stay inside me...

2006-07-14T00:47:00.000+05:30

its interesting how we, rather i,perceive others around me and also the imp of their presence in my life..how much do people matter to me???a self confessed loner who needs people by her side never the less..funny eh...

trains...

2006-07-07T22:53:00.000+05:30

yes..exactly..in the past week or so i think i must have spent like three days in the train..and yes..it gave me wat it always offers me without question..time to think..lots of time..all to myself..jus lyin down in that bed..lookin out of the window(which held only a partial view of the outside world) rain..with the water seepin down making ripples.tiny faint ones...crawlin till the end of time..the faint GMS playin right in the centre of my head(earphones..duh)..it was bliss..i am the craver of lone time..and i loved every minute of that journey..away from everyone..it was this crazy feelin of elated ecstacy and i used every minute of it..
the thoughts that went through my head were crazy..one time thinkin of my future..my career(will i actually have to take up that job as the guard?) and at other times thinkin of my parents..my life back in college and how different it is at home..thoughts and more thoughts developing into feelings and emotions..felt like writing then and there..there was so much in those thoughts that i didnt wanna lose when i got back to civilization(like right now).
its this wierd feelin of losin my thoughts and this whole orientation of mind which might not lead to anything and still kind of disturbs me..
i take my train journeys as this beautiful part of my life experiences...i would never trade them for ever..the journey from delhi to manipal is one thing ill never forget..i have been doin it like every year for the past three years..its like this only connection between the two lives that i lead..and starting from one i almost always have to mentally prepare myself for the comin destination..from being a destitute of one kind to the other..being in one state of mind and living and then shiftin to the other..anticipating new developments and jus a whole new world..a different one each time from the last time i left it...
i really dont know how to wrap up these thoughts so ill jus let them be..later

2006-06-13T13:15:00.000+05:30

its been ages since i came here..been in bliss era for quite a while now..at home..yes i know..for the first time i am actually glad to be at home..quite..eveythin taken care of..nothing to worry about really..and the comp to myself..bliss for sure..
lookin at manipal from here i realise that i am gonna miss that place once i get out of it..u know the freedom..that joblessness at uncles..no bother ,stupid ego fights is all ther is to bother u then..once out of there..and man ill be a part of the rat race ..its scary..but its a fact..a part of me doesnt wanna face it..but guess reality it is..and then that vicious cirsle is never gonna stop..crazy..i could do anything to make time stop...well may be not..

passing thought..

2006-04-15T22:27:00.000+05:30

prep hols..everyone has gone home..i am as usual stuck somewhere where i dont want to be.hoping but any attempts at leaving would be useless and futile,of no use.cause i would probably see myself crawling back here(out of oblibation) in no time.the effort of a ten days resort to emptiness is of no use wat so ever..i called up ma right now,wanted to speak to pushkar(my bro) and cry my heart out.suddenly no body seems to be around to understand wat i have going in ma head.i have always been a self confessed grappler for 'lone times',but this loneliness seems to be gnawing too hard..just going through every activity with this mundane and usual sense of duty and thereby detachment. these fleeting moments of laughter is absolutely wat it is...fleeting. i try and remember my old times..my yound innocent days..when the heart was full of curiosity and questions,an anticipation of discovery,a subtle understanding that behind that wall there has to something more real and intriguing..there jus has to be something more in store for me..something to help me go on like this stream of water.i would want to open up and discuss my thoughts and feelings wit someone,its like when u have this magnanimous sexual urge ,u can have sex wit anyone and it doesn matter who as long as u dont meet the person before or after the act.but then i realise i would feel more naked and alone,when i reveal myself.a gratuitous act,for the strength and comfort that i am lookinh for,any of these last few illusions of consolation i realise can only be within you.

2006-03-12T22:44:00.000+05:30

wonder if anyone is out there..but jus a question never the less..does anyone ever have relationships which are totally free from worldly issues like stealing(and the other ten commandments)..like if u know the person really well..like inside out and all..have had the best and the worst time together..how important it is if the other person fucked up somewhere????is forgiving..or for that matter askin for forgiveness really all that difficult..personally i have never stopped speaking or broken my relationship wit anyone on such issues and even then i cant think of any reason why two people who are so close can jus drift apart like that..trust me i am open to anything u say....

2006-03-11T22:20:00.000+05:30

long time..but hey..suddenly i felt myself falling through this dark tunnel..this awesom pit..dark and suffocating..last few weeks have been damn smooth for me..i get up in the mornin ..go for my exams(yes i have exams in my life also)come back sleep..go to the library at four then come back..fuck around and well sleep again..there is this friend of mine..had started to get close..me and her..she spoke to me about her problems..all night long..felt good..and then i gave her the advice that probably she shoul stop seeing her guy for a while cause anyways he was giving her a lot of problems..told her that she should try spending time wit her friends and change her routine a bit..and well she did.but thats the catch..she got back to her old friends who she had spaced out wit over the months..but one of her friends used to be my close friend too..i should be feelin good about it..but suddenly i feel empty..left out..wierd..can make myself be happy about the whole thing..but for wat joy??
i spend most of my time in my room now..iteels good..all by myself.spend time wit myself and my hippo..(my hippo by the way is my lifeline:its this yellow stuffed sweetheart)....its good.

ahhh..

2006-02-13T23:13:00.000+05:30

ahhhhh...on to my fantasy machine(this pc to b precise)..my marijuana..my speed wagon..feels goooood.
completely birserk..i made a new discovery today..not really come to think of it..knew about it long time back..but today i put it in practise to my life..actually went up soaring high into the ethereal bizarre space..and looked down at my life from that bunch of floating clouds..ahhh..beautiful view..lots of greenery..dark patches here and there..nothin that cant be remedied..felt good.my life..go on get a positive opinion to wats the most dear thing to u.
the closer u get to ur own life the more distant u grow to facts.
sometimes the closest thing to u lets u go cause of certain unavoidable situations..doesnt mean it can take away ur memories and your thougts and fantasies..and isnt that wat life all about..fantasies and ways of making them come true..so see..in the end u should be a happier and more whole individual..cause nobody can take u away from yourself..(wher to wher..my thoughts i tell u..its like a fast running train..goes through the best parts of the terrain..and then through some rough patches..but still keeps chugging enthusiastically throughout)..nite

wonderland

2006-02-10T23:18:00.000+05:30

thats exactly wat this place is...a merry go round..u spin ..go wit the flow..and then when the ride is over its jus simple..u get off and carry on wit ur mundane existence..today was wierd..lost and still very much alive...had an awesomee time..went to girish place again..and ya jus was sitting on the top again ..same open sky and the stars..and my smokes..lots of people..
had a crazy ride back home..zach was driving..crazy..think he was really high..but thats okay..it was awesome twist and turns..nearly fell off at one place..funny.
thought for the day..u always cross the road thinking that the vehicles will not deviate from their path..will explain later.

2006-02-09T22:35:00.000+05:30

this coll has given me a lot of things if i look back at it..some fantastic memories..made me meet and get close to some awesome people..see different aspects to the people who in daily life would seem so mundane and distant ..wat life ahead has to offer..(this place can actually be a short preview to that)..it has been a learning experience if nothing else..lots of learning to do..and another thing ..you need to understand that when u r alone u need not be lonely..(i am, sometimes ,to admit the truth) but still one should get over that..
this place..manipal..my home for another one year..(ya well watever)..its a crazy place wit crazy people around..like even as i write this there are people singin at the top of their voices outside..if i would have been my previous self i would have probably gone and sang with them..but now i have changed and like any other loser all i can do is sit and crib..funny me!!!
i went to this friends place today..girish..neat place..awesome view..awesome memories..it was beautiful..sitting there alone..on the top of the terrace..staring at the far distant horizon wit some distant rock playing..jus me,myself and my thoughts..(and my smoke..did i forget that??)ill remember this place..as something that gave me loads( sad times as well as some beautiful ones)..goodnite ..

2006-02-08T22:43:00.000+05:30

there are times when i feel lonely and desperate to do things that I want to do..but then all these thoughts(which always seem to come at the wrong time) will come around..and i am impaired..stuck in the middle of time..jus one year left and to lose people now is like crazy..isnt this the time that we make everlasting relationship cause we are old enough and young enough at the same time..its crazy and in the night lying down in bed thinking of such things drives me insane..mayb i am responsible..but still..it does not lessen the hurt..kinda multiplies it to this magnanimous limit which is hard to take after a while..
i am trying..to find solace..but still at times i run out..feel out of breath.
i was reading this book..The Zahir..it talks aboutthis concept of a feeling an entity (if u can call it that) that haunts u all the time..unless u face it..head on it doesnt let u go..stays in your head..stares at u at every corner in every action in every move..for that author it was his wife who had left him..not left really..jus went off in search of self identity..for me ???mayb i know wat it is..but somewher down the line i dont wanna own upto it..the coward that i am..dont wanna face it..and i know till the day i dont..its gonna haunt me..

2006-01-31T21:44:00.000+05:30

there is this serenity that comes up these days when i see the one thing that in my BRAIN i dont really wanna see..not givin much importance to the heart really..u must have noticed i dont really introduce my stuff..the stuff that i write i meant..but thats okay..u should understand..sitting here in the hostel room staring at the fan in its constant incessant motion i realise..that even in the life tenure of this fan i am jus a temporary phase..me as an entity is a passing phase..very surprisingly i am not unhappy with that small but significant discovery..
i have started reading like crazy..really.these days thats the only thing that seems to hit me..becom so stone hearted otherwise..highly mechanical..so its books..my nirvana as always..i read this awesom book that i wanna reccomend to whoever..the kite runner..awesom sweet book..its intense and after reading that the whole concept about intensity has metamorphosed.its like talking to someone when u feel like..it tells u stuff that u rally never knew and glad to hear it come up..learn wit every sentence..
there are these moments in life u know when u feel u have had enough and seen enough..dealt wit enough to last a life time..get bugged wit it all..but one needs to understand that there is such thing as hope..our only string to the future..the thin frail HOPE...its interesting cause jus like love even hope is jus a ..ummm..wat to call it..result of human experiences..that ya well keeps u going..hope to see a new day..hope to see the other side of the world..hope to get stuff right wit your family..hope to have a placid existence..hope that everything is gonna be right sometime..but sometimes hope does not deliver and then u r left alone(as always)
u know i play wit that power above..negotiate my fate...like..if this ball goes in the basket then this will happen..otherwise..well let it be types.the interesting part is if it doesnt happen i keep goin..keep throwing the ball..its nice to be negotiating wit Him.
that shuld be it i guess..later

2006-01-30T22:50:00.000+05:30

head is too blank to write anything..but still just that...suddenly seem to b void of any opinion....will blog next time..when i have some opinion of something and when i am feeling better...happier..but then..jus aa line of thought..nobody is happy..they are all jus busy.ill explain in my next blog

2006-01-02T23:12:00.000+05:30

and so life jus goes on..you know..people..some arbid ones..some close ones..close..ahem..dont really know wat that is..but still would like to believe i care for them..cause isnt that wat life is all about??caring and havin close ones to lose and fuckin your head in the end..makin u see heaven sometimes and then jus simply glidin past never to turn around and look at u again...where am i goin??thats one intriguing thing..you never know where u headed..i seem to b jus crusing through wat ever life has got to offer..cause there is nothin better than jus sittin back and enjoyin wat comes your way..shitty os otherwise..love fuck thats a stupidest fuckin thing man ever came up wit..there seems to b no love amongst animals dude..think about it..its all about caring..no love its us humans who would for our fuckin convenience would like to call it love..but its all man made in the end,some bull shit man's ego fulfilling emotion..pathetic..i dont believe in it..not anymore..used to till a while back..when i suddenly realised how circumstances take over this apparently strong emotion so conveniently..its like this leaf in the wind..totally dependent on the direction and the presence of winds..it flies..circles..high..round and round..and then when the wind ceases to exist..it jus drops..down to mother fuckin earth..not to rise again..till ya when the next wind comes..wierd..but true..all true things are always wierd..unbelieving..the lie always seem to b the truth..and u ju flow wit it..cruise as i said..think..goodnite.

2005-12-30T21:57:00.000+05:30

this is really funny and stupid..i am talkin about wat i am doin to my life and th way i am livin it..i should b satisfied wit the way it is goin and all and still i am not..most of the time i try to act amused but still that is mostly for me to get out of my room state of mind..which happens to b the only place i feel i am myself anyways..my sole place of solace..outside well i jus put on this very pathetically fake but will do kinda mask which if nothin else helps me dodge all the uninvited questions the answers to which i dont know anyways..not confused these days..have already made the choices..jus tryin to make sense out of it..good nite

back to runnin...

2005-12-16T20:34:00.000+05:30

i could b free u know..free to run..free to take off on a word from a virtual stranger...cut loose like an untethered balloon to drift off as the changing winds.the fear of uncertainity..the charm of risk..the beauty of the unknown.
but if only things were this easy..if only i could escape it...it has the unanswerable voice of authority,the specious logic which keeps u frozen,obedient,fearful...to break free from that fear..to run in hope and despair..to run and to find that all the time u were carrying it inside u like a malignant child..to imagine the futiliy of all that running..its crazy..but after a while of crazy running,u find yourself in the same spot..back to face the things u were runnin from all this while.
u run and run..to escape the certain..to meet the unexpected..some hope..some sign..and all it gets is despair..cause all this while u have been expecting.well its time to stop running..to face the winds..to face it all and think..hope u get wat i am tryin to say...g nite

2005-12-08T20:32:00.000+05:30

every night when i sleep..i am so full of thoughts i could run to the comp and start writin and probably never end..ut jus when i start actually bloggin..all the inhibitions come in...dunno why..wish nooone read my blogs..not that it matters but jus..wat am i sayin??there is this very close friend of mine..took care of him like anythin..and suddenly i seem to b partin ways wit him..it hurts..but then there is nothin much u can do about it can u??u cant keep the person right there wit u thinking he is never gonna move on..there r probably other things in his mind..other people far more important and entertaining that wat i got to offer..i do miss the spontaniety..the game of hiding..and all that.but then again..last few days have taught me more than i lifetime could..i guess.
i am patient now..more at ease wit myself..oh and i have started to accept things as they are..i know it will stop the dynamic attitude i used to boast of..but there have t b changes introduced wit every new situation u face...ill make u read some of the stuff he wrote..msg rather..jus to give u an insight.."one afternoon four years ago..life seemed perfect.the opposite sex was the ultimate in life..as we broused through books on architecture noticing tapestry in cathedrals,statues of nude men and women n a lotta other products of human imagination,i felt warm and fuzzy,..a very comfortable feeling..my feet didnt feel cold anymore..her hand on my chest..we hadnt poken for a while then..i felt my lips part.the feel of her warm lips didnt feel too unfamiliar.the warmth was incredible.stimulating me every second of the moment.my braeath was warmer than ever n so was she..the moves were makin me blurry..we moved till time permitted..it left me danglin wit the most elated feeling ever"..thats him for u..and oh another one..here goes"of course i went alone.my happiest moments r mostly selfish..like the morning walks to see the sunrise..but then when the mornin star does seem to jump out from behind the humped mountain..with the rest of the sky looking violet,lilac and lavender..the whole effect with the hundred shades of yellow and red jus make u smile with the near perfect round ocean of fire..not a soul aroun u..but the little creatures who sing or cry at the break of dawn..n all this makes me smile..n that breaks my attention n makes me look around and i wish ther was someone to share this smile wit me...i still know i am not alone"jus two of his writings,,thats him the way i have known him all through..and now there is nothin but a blank curiosity to know wats in my mind..wats botherin me..os its the outside world..its his naivity that still keeps me goin..wish he knew...anyways..thats life..

optimism

2005-12-04T15:34:00.000+05:30

the title has nothin to do wit me or my state of mind right now..well my state of mind??its wierd i got hostel arrest..for those of u who haven seen this side of earth..its something like when u get grounded at home for doin something real bad..very surprisingly this is not evoking any emotions in me?i am jus blank..totally devoid of any emotions that should come wit it.i realised and have grasped the moral of the story but then again dunno if its the right one..it feels like i am on an island wit absolutely noone around..nobody really to share my thoughts wit and my state of mind..oh and i broke up wit my guy .. but all this again fails to initiate any thing in my head.its wierd and very hard to analyze.its as if i am in the very centre of u huge cyclone wher its as still as anythin.he has lost trust in me and so is nowher around..the interestin part is i dont even know wat is that all about..because all this is happenin i can imagine that i am in shit but if u really ask me wats goin on i wont b able to really tell u wats in my head cause most of the time its jus blank.even now i was sitting in my room on my bed wit some vague music playin..and i dont remember wat i was thinking..funny i know.wish i could get out of this state of mind..some miracle happens..divine intervention..hee hee.sometimes i think that i should jus give up on fightin..u know fightin myself and my thoughts and my feelings..and then jus glide.through and through..but its easier said than done..theres a lot of things that needs to b done before all that...one thing and the only constructive thing that i am doin these days is my readin..yes i am readin julike my coll days.i wish i could start to feel sometime..soon for that matter cause evenwhen i am staring intently at him my mind is jus blank the feelings comin only when there is any change of facial expression from his side..do people who once get into depression ever get out of it??can they jus erase all the thoughts that were goin thru theis head at that time??is it that easy?or??

saturday night

2005-11-27T12:00:00.000+05:30

ya as it says its saturday today and its night...and i am here blogging..simply cause nothing else really seems more important..totally sane mind u..always am..its always been a temporary lapse of sanity that i end up doin something that i really dont stand by..this happens not when i am drunk or stoned but when my thinking capability takes a backseat..u know i have been tryin to excel this art of silence..i do believe that silence at any point is the best..you might have lots to say but the best thing is to simply keep quite..take wat life gives u..appreciate it..and u know wat..you never regret silence..its always your words.
there are times when i feel like screaming..and losing it completely..but its okay..i am hangin in there..patience is one virtue(which i dont have but tryin to inculcate it)oh and guess wat it rained today!!!!fuck that like made my day..it jus washes away everything totally..all inhibitions and all thoughts..its just a sense of exhiliration..and so to share this feeling a msg him..he didnt say much jus a simple i know..but that is okay..atleast i know he has to b lovin it..and there we connect..id like to believe that he was missing me..fuck where am i goin??/i am kinda scared to admit it even to myself but he is always on my mind..
guess i am talking too much..and he jus gave ne half an hour time to blog..so guess will see u some other time when my head is bursting wit thoughts..it will on monday..telling u now only.bye

just stuff

2005-11-22T22:46:00.000+05:30

was jus thinking of writin..have been actually..its jus simply about nothing really..my life here..pretty sad..been playin wit three peoples emotions and feelings like its my playground..one of them being myself..dont feel anything great about it..cant really help it either..you know wat i jus found out..i ahve lost the ability to communicate..and the one thing who mattered a lot has also lost it..in my case as also in his case we have chosen it..its fuckin confusin..i know i am not making any sense watever but somehow but then again..its wierd..fuck get back to this thing a was tellin u..its wierd that we do talk..most of the time i get wat i am sayin simply by lookin at him..he gets it too..oh i didnt introduce myself as the most confused indecisive person u will ever know in your life..cant even decide if the guy i am seeing for the past two years is a source os happiness or sadness..he more than anything else is my responsibility..maynot get anything out of him but this holds on to me..i care for him??do i love him..fuck this has started to look like some sad story column..didnt want it to sound like this but jus too confused and above all that my brain is not wit me..not mine anymore..wish i could jus get stoned os high sometime and let myself jus b..realise that mighty feelin of lettin it all go..might b jus for three hours but trust me wit the thoughts botherin me i think even three hours are enough for myself..i try to give myself space u know..oh thats one thing a stand by..i think even dogs need their space..have always been nearly alone..never related to people but these days have been feelin pathetically desolate and lonely..wierd..its only smokes and trance for me..anything else gets me thinkin..suddenly started runnin away from myself..its wierd..fuck i could go on and on..will let things b as of now..take care people..s

arbid destitution

2005-10-17T17:01:00.000+05:30

its wierd that i am writing here instead of in my diary...but then again i think it all comes when there is a flow in your thoughts..i really am in a pathetic state of mind right now..most of the people get here but i think i have always been here..atleast it feels that way..dunno why..life suddenly seems to have taken a u turn and i see myself standing exactly where i was a few years back..its wierd..pathetic to suddenly see myself so static..so stuck on this state of mind..its been here for quite some time now..dont really wanna know wat is the reason behind it but then again i think i am stuck and cant realy do anything about it...funny eh..cant really help myself..wat the fuck will i help others..u must have realised by now that i am fuckin confused about myself..really dont know where to go..or wat i want from life..
the people around me act like strong source of gravity..pulling me with them..but then its pretty sorted if u think of it..i dont drink or smoke up..never really felt the need to..always thought i should not lose control of my thoughts ..funny that now even in my sane sense i still have no control over my thoughts or the way i feel...
i never asked anything from god u know...dont belive in him as such..but yesterday i went there with him and asked god for something...for him..trust me if he doesnt deliver it this time never again am i ever gonna even see his face..always thought wat true love is..but its only now that i am gettin to realise it might b wat it is right now..dont get confused cause as i write this my thoughts are gettin sorted as well..thats the way it works for me..
thats a lot to ponder over..take care