passing thought..

prep hols..everyone has gone home..i am as usual stuck somewhere where i dont want to be.hoping but any attempts at leaving would be useless and futile,of no use.cause i would probably see myself crawling back here(out of oblibation) in no time.the effort of a ten days resort to emptiness is of no use wat so ever..i called up ma right now,wanted to speak to pushkar(my bro) and cry my heart out.suddenly no body seems to be around to understand wat i have going in ma head.i have always been a self confessed grappler for 'lone times',but this loneliness seems to be gnawing too hard..just going through every activity with this mundane and usual sense of duty and thereby detachment. these fleeting moments of laughter is absolutely wat it is...fleeting. i try and remember my old times..my yound innocent days..when the heart was full of curiosity and questions,an anticipation of discovery,a subtle understanding that behind that wall there has to something more real and intriguing..there jus has to be something more in store for me..something to help me go on like this stream of water.i would want to open up and discuss my thoughts and feelings wit someone,its like when u have this magnanimous sexual urge ,u can have sex wit anyone and it doesn matter who as long as u dont meet the person before or after the act.but then i realise i would feel more naked and alone,when i reveal myself.a gratuitous act,for the strength and comfort that i am lookinh for,any of these last few illusions of consolation i realise can only be within you.