this is really funny and stupid..i am talkin about wat i am doin to my life and th way i am livin it..i should b satisfied wit the way it is goin and all and still i am not..most of the time i try to act amused but still that is mostly for me to get out of my room state of mind..which happens to b the only place i feel i am myself anyways..my sole place of solace..outside well i jus put on this very pathetically fake but will do kinda mask which if nothin else helps me dodge all the uninvited questions the answers to which i dont know anyways..not confused these days..have already made the choices..jus tryin to make sense out of it..good nite

back to runnin...

i could b free u know..free to run..free to take off on a word from a virtual stranger...cut loose like an untethered balloon to drift off as the changing winds.the fear of uncertainity..the charm of risk..the beauty of the unknown.
but if only things were this easy..if only i could escape it...it has the unanswerable voice of authority,the specious logic which keeps u frozen,obedient,fearful...to break free from that fear..to run in hope and despair..to run and to find that all the time u were carrying it inside u like a malignant child..to imagine the futiliy of all that running..its crazy..but after a while of crazy running,u find yourself in the same spot..back to face the things u were runnin from all this while.
u run and run..to escape the certain..to meet the unexpected..some hope..some sign..and all it gets is despair..cause all this while u have been expecting.well its time to stop running..to face the winds..to face it all and think..hope u get wat i am tryin to say...g nite

every night when i sleep..i am so full of thoughts i could run to the comp and start writin and probably never end..ut jus when i start actually bloggin..all the inhibitions come in...dunno why..wish nooone read my blogs..not that it matters but jus..wat am i sayin??there is this very close friend of mine..took care of him like anythin..and suddenly i seem to b partin ways wit him..it hurts..but then there is nothin much u can do about it can u??u cant keep the person right there wit u thinking he is never gonna move on..there r probably other things in his mind..other people far more important and entertaining that wat i got to offer..i do miss the spontaniety..the game of hiding..and all that.but then again..last few days have taught me more than i lifetime could..i guess.
i am patient now..more at ease wit myself..oh and i have started to accept things as they are..i know it will stop the dynamic attitude i used to boast of..but there have t b changes introduced wit every new situation u face...ill make u read some of the stuff he wrote..msg rather..jus to give u an insight.."one afternoon four years ago..life seemed perfect.the opposite sex was the ultimate in life..as we broused through books on architecture noticing tapestry in cathedrals,statues of nude men and women n a lotta other products of human imagination,i felt warm and fuzzy,..a very comfortable feeling..my feet didnt feel cold anymore..her hand on my chest..we hadnt poken for a while then..i felt my lips part.the feel of her warm lips didnt feel too unfamiliar.the warmth was incredible.stimulating me every second of the moment.my braeath was warmer than ever n so was she..the moves were makin me blurry..we moved till time permitted..it left me danglin wit the most elated feeling ever"..thats him for u..and oh another one..here goes"of course i went alone.my happiest moments r mostly selfish..like the morning walks to see the sunrise..but then when the mornin star does seem to jump out from behind the humped mountain..with the rest of the sky looking violet,lilac and lavender..the whole effect with the hundred shades of yellow and red jus make u smile with the near perfect round ocean of fire..not a soul aroun u..but the little creatures who sing or cry at the break of dawn..n all this makes me smile..n that breaks my attention n makes me look around and i wish ther was someone to share this smile wit me...i still know i am not alone"jus two of his writings,,thats him the way i have known him all through..and now there is nothin but a blank curiosity to know wats in my mind..wats botherin me..os its the outside world..its his naivity that still keeps me goin..wish he knew...anyways..thats life..

optimism

the title has nothin to do wit me or my state of mind right now..well my state of mind??its wierd i got hostel arrest..for those of u who haven seen this side of earth..its something like when u get grounded at home for doin something real bad..very surprisingly this is not evoking any emotions in me?i am jus blank..totally devoid of any emotions that should come wit it.i realised and have grasped the moral of the story but then again dunno if its the right one..it feels like i am on an island wit absolutely noone around..nobody really to share my thoughts wit and my state of mind..oh and i broke up wit my guy .. but all this again fails to initiate any thing in my head.its wierd and very hard to analyze.its as if i am in the very centre of u huge cyclone wher its as still as anythin.he has lost trust in me and so is nowher around..the interestin part is i dont even know wat is that all about..because all this is happenin i can imagine that i am in shit but if u really ask me wats goin on i wont b able to really tell u wats in my head cause most of the time its jus blank.even now i was sitting in my room on my bed wit some vague music playin..and i dont remember wat i was thinking..funny i know.wish i could get out of this state of mind..some miracle happens..divine intervention..hee hee.sometimes i think that i should jus give up on fightin..u know fightin myself and my thoughts and my feelings..and then jus glide.through and through..but its easier said than done..theres a lot of things that needs to b done before all that...one thing and the only constructive thing that i am doin these days is my readin..yes i am readin julike my coll days.i wish i could start to feel sometime..soon for that matter cause evenwhen i am staring intently at him my mind is jus blank the feelings comin only when there is any change of facial expression from his side..do people who once get into depression ever get out of it??can they jus erase all the thoughts that were goin thru theis head at that time??is it that easy?or??

saturday night

ya as it says its saturday today and its night...and i am here blogging..simply cause nothing else really seems more important..totally sane mind u..always am..its always been a temporary lapse of sanity that i end up doin something that i really dont stand by..this happens not when i am drunk or stoned but when my thinking capability takes a backseat..u know i have been tryin to excel this art of silence..i do believe that silence at any point is the best..you might have lots to say but the best thing is to simply keep quite..take wat life gives u..appreciate it..and u know wat..you never regret silence..its always your words.
there are times when i feel like screaming..and losing it completely..but its okay..i am hangin in there..patience is one virtue(which i dont have but tryin to inculcate it)oh and guess wat it rained today!!!!fuck that like made my day..it jus washes away everything totally..all inhibitions and all thoughts..its just a sense of exhiliration..and so to share this feeling a msg him..he didnt say much jus a simple i know..but that is okay..atleast i know he has to b lovin it..and there we connect..id like to believe that he was missing me..fuck where am i goin??/i am kinda scared to admit it even to myself but he is always on my mind..
guess i am talking too much..and he jus gave ne half an hour time to blog..so guess will see u some other time when my head is bursting wit thoughts..it will on monday..telling u now only.bye

just stuff

was jus thinking of writin..have been actually..its jus simply about nothing really..my life here..pretty sad..been playin wit three peoples emotions and feelings like its my playground..one of them being myself..dont feel anything great about it..cant really help it either..you know wat i jus found out..i ahve lost the ability to communicate..and the one thing who mattered a lot has also lost it..in my case as also in his case we have chosen it..its fuckin confusin..i know i am not making any sense watever but somehow but then again..its wierd..fuck get back to this thing a was tellin u..its wierd that we do talk..most of the time i get wat i am sayin simply by lookin at him..he gets it too..oh i didnt introduce myself as the most confused indecisive person u will ever know in your life..cant even decide if the guy i am seeing for the past two years is a source os happiness or sadness..he more than anything else is my responsibility..maynot get anything out of him but this holds on to me..i care for him??do i love him..fuck this has started to look like some sad story column..didnt want it to sound like this but jus too confused and above all that my brain is not wit me..not mine anymore..wish i could jus get stoned os high sometime and let myself jus b..realise that mighty feelin of lettin it all go..might b jus for three hours but trust me wit the thoughts botherin me i think even three hours are enough for myself..i try to give myself space u know..oh thats one thing a stand by..i think even dogs need their space..have always been nearly alone..never related to people but these days have been feelin pathetically desolate and lonely..wierd..its only smokes and trance for me..anything else gets me thinkin..suddenly started runnin away from myself..its wierd..fuck i could go on and on..will let things b as of now..take care people..s

arbid destitution

its wierd that i am writing here instead of in my diary...but then again i think it all comes when there is a flow in your thoughts..i really am in a pathetic state of mind right now..most of the people get here but i think i have always been here..atleast it feels that way..dunno why..life suddenly seems to have taken a u turn and i see myself standing exactly where i was a few years back..its wierd..pathetic to suddenly see myself so static..so stuck on this state of mind..its been here for quite some time now..dont really wanna know wat is the reason behind it but then again i think i am stuck and cant realy do anything about it...funny eh..cant really help myself..wat the fuck will i help others..u must have realised by now that i am fuckin confused about myself..really dont know where to go..or wat i want from life..
the people around me act like strong source of gravity..pulling me with them..but then its pretty sorted if u think of it..i dont drink or smoke up..never really felt the need to..always thought i should not lose control of my thoughts ..funny that now even in my sane sense i still have no control over my thoughts or the way i feel...
i never asked anything from god u know...dont belive in him as such..but yesterday i went there with him and asked god for something...for him..trust me if he doesnt deliver it this time never again am i ever gonna even see his face..always thought wat true love is..but its only now that i am gettin to realise it might b wat it is right now..dont get confused cause as i write this my thoughts are gettin sorted as well..thats the way it works for me..
thats a lot to ponder over..take care