new thoughts

so wats been up with me?? he he..good question and i think just to make this a lil more systematic i am gonna go point wise...

1. i moved to bangalore..bag and baggage..and its good..so far so good anyways..came here for suhail and the weather..the weather still mystifies me every time but there is no trace of suhail..not that i am not to blame for that..but i made some choices in life finally and so far been sticking to it..( so not me)..so that makes me single and available..ahem..did i jus say available..nah..not just yet i am not..dont wanna start all over with that thing again..

but i forgot to give the intro to my beautiful setting..me sitting in my office with the god blessed free net services and plenty of time and joblessness..that clubbed with coffee..(yeah i started drinking that lately with much enthusiasm..realised its cheaper than coke..) it makes an awesom setting..

bangalore is a nice place..too much traffic..snaking through it every day after work can be stressing..trust me..but otherwise i think i have found a part of my peace...lots to explore still..been dying to push myself through this maze of work and home responsibilities to go to nandi hills..apparently a hill station in south india...will do it soon

2. work front...well well ..wat to say???work is work after all..never wanted to be here..a typical life of working from nine to nine..and taking peanuts home in monetary terms..thats a typical hotel job for ya..but its good coz i am still learning..and so every day brings on somethin new for sure..and thats all i am gonna write about the WORK part of it.

3. shifted to a new place..ill tel u about that may be in a separate ..far more elaborate blog some other time..coz there are so many emotions attached with that..trust me there is..

anyways..i think office is a bad place to write a blog..my phone seems to be ringing constantly and the ' official mails' seems to be endless...

i dont believe this..i am actually a part of this god forsaken corporate world??? pathetic..seriously..

later alligator..fuck..wats wrong with me...hee hee

ha ha ha

this is crazy..i am crazy..nothin much to say jus that i keep gettin butterflies in my tummy these days..a lot..he he..like when i speak to clint..he he..or when i think of havin to leave del for always and movin to some unknown town..all these are unprecedented emotions and they feel like satin(if u know wat i mean)..
is this really wat we call takin life head on..dunno but at the moment i am open to watever life has to offer me..absolutely..metamorphose me into an angel..ha..that will b somethin..gotta go..later yo

in smoke

the journey of life starts with a cry,
throughout our life looking for the best high.
holding our screams,hiding tears inside,
watch carefully with wide open eyes.
tomorrow that beholds darkness of fear,
past filled with memories and dried tears.
looking for answers that we ll never find,
noone really cares much,well nevermind.
the real you and me sleeps inntoxicated,stoned,
living in man made jungle,sometimes called home.
dying again in agony,pain,tears and we cry,
wasted all our life,looking for the best HIGH

long time

its been ages that i came here..actually had to get a new password(had forgotten my old one)its wierd that i always come here when i am in my most wierd mood ever..its crazy but writin here helps so thats cool i guess..
to update u on wats happenin wit me over the past few months..well..i kinda finished my college life..it was good now to look back..i learnt quite a bit..mostly about people..and about life and solitude and relationships..(yeah nothin to do wit education)..got a job wit the taj hotels in the sales and marketing dept..its okay..still wondering if thats wher i wanna be..coz seriously i am not excited about it..not even apprehensive..nothin drawin a blank as far as that is concerned..
totally lost touch wit my guy..broke up..goin through a nasty time wher that is concerned..i miss him..ha ha ha..
got real close to this friend of mine...was gettin there since ages i think..finally we are on a pedestal..both of us together this time..
left my fav slippers back in the hostel(trust me that hurts)
i miss hostel and mostly my life back there..its crazy when suddenly after a long time of atayin away from home u come back..everythin seems very alien..and u need to retune urself to wat is required out here..its like..everytime i am sittin they are like why u upset which i am not but then whose gonna explain that..and then relatives askin " so why u wearin a toe ring..or so wher do u plan to go from here on..or when u gonna get married"..oh fuck its crazy
my mother is the sweetest though..
ill tell u why i got down to writin this..cause i think i suck at relationships...i fucked up my first guy s life..its been five years since we stopped seeing each other..he seems to have found home in a rehab..my second guy who i love like hell is also gone now..
after gettin back home and constantly goin oput to be wit my frnds for three days i thot i will stay at home jus sp ma who is alone at home(without a car to move arnd in) should not feel lonely even after her daughter has come back..and then i realise she is still not happy..cause i am fallin short somewher(mayb cause i dont talk a lot)..
jeeth..my fav frnd..well i single handedly fucked his life..he used to like me a lot..and i jus couldnt give myself to him coz i always had my guy suhail in my head..so well me and jeeth got close..i used to talk to him about everythin..he became my support system..like wat was i thinkin when i got so close..and then coz he couldnt have me as his girl..he kinda lost it..fuck i am so sorry..i am so sorry ...i didnt want it to turn like that..shit..so thats fucked up too..
i never had a relationship wit my sister so to say..she has always been closer to my cousin than me..i lost out
and then there is thomas..who i adore..but i make him upset too...even though i want him to be really happy in life..i dunno man..i think i suck big time
i wanted suhail also to be set and happy like i had seen him in first year and well all that i did in our four years relationship is fuck him inside out..
akshat..he was this awesom frnd i had..still do i think..we stood by each other through everythin..and then it got fucked..we spaced out..
this is not a guilt trip..its jus a summary of my relationships..and my state of mind..jus a small angle to it..
i hope in future i jus dont get into deep relationshipd coz then i know i am gonna fuck it up big time..like these ppl are who matter to me the most..and this is wher i stand wit all of them.
i dunno man..this is crazy..i really do suck at relationships

i really am on a higher level at the moment.jus came back from home...suddenly feel like i am above all complications life could throw at me.been wrong,been right...explained myself to people i care and couldnt care enough for others..that sounds simple..and well it is.not explainin anymore.life could not get simpler.ha ha ha..and so i feel like laughin...i AM wierd..when did i claim i was not???sometimes it baffles me the stuff that i can come up with..later