this is really funny and stupid..i am talkin about wat i am doin to my life and th way i am livin it..i should b satisfied wit the way it is goin and all and still i am not..most of the time i try to act amused but still that is mostly for me to get out of my room state of mind..which happens to b the only place i feel i am myself anyways..my sole place of solace..outside well i jus put on this very pathetically fake but will do kinda mask which if nothin else helps me dodge all the uninvited questions the answers to which i dont know anyways..not confused these days..have already made the choices..jus tryin to make sense out of it..good nite

back to runnin...

i could b free u know..free to run..free to take off on a word from a virtual stranger...cut loose like an untethered balloon to drift off as the changing winds.the fear of uncertainity..the charm of risk..the beauty of the unknown.
but if only things were this easy..if only i could escape it...it has the unanswerable voice of authority,the specious logic which keeps u frozen,obedient,fearful...to break free from that fear..to run in hope and despair..to run and to find that all the time u were carrying it inside u like a malignant child..to imagine the futiliy of all that running..its crazy..but after a while of crazy running,u find yourself in the same spot..back to face the things u were runnin from all this while.
u run and run..to escape the certain..to meet the unexpected..some hope..some sign..and all it gets is despair..cause all this while u have been expecting.well its time to stop running..to face the winds..to face it all and think..hope u get wat i am tryin to say...g nite

every night when i sleep..i am so full of thoughts i could run to the comp and start writin and probably never end..ut jus when i start actually bloggin..all the inhibitions come in...dunno why..wish nooone read my blogs..not that it matters but jus..wat am i sayin??there is this very close friend of mine..took care of him like anythin..and suddenly i seem to b partin ways wit him..it hurts..but then there is nothin much u can do about it can u??u cant keep the person right there wit u thinking he is never gonna move on..there r probably other things in his mind..other people far more important and entertaining that wat i got to offer..i do miss the spontaniety..the game of hiding..and all that.but then again..last few days have taught me more than i lifetime could..i guess.
i am patient now..more at ease wit myself..oh and i have started to accept things as they are..i know it will stop the dynamic attitude i used to boast of..but there have t b changes introduced wit every new situation u face...ill make u read some of the stuff he wrote..msg rather..jus to give u an insight.."one afternoon four years ago..life seemed perfect.the opposite sex was the ultimate in life..as we broused through books on architecture noticing tapestry in cathedrals,statues of nude men and women n a lotta other products of human imagination,i felt warm and fuzzy,..a very comfortable feeling..my feet didnt feel cold anymore..her hand on my chest..we hadnt poken for a while then..i felt my lips part.the feel of her warm lips didnt feel too unfamiliar.the warmth was incredible.stimulating me every second of the moment.my braeath was warmer than ever n so was she..the moves were makin me blurry..we moved till time permitted..it left me danglin wit the most elated feeling ever"..thats him for u..and oh another one..here goes"of course i went alone.my happiest moments r mostly selfish..like the morning walks to see the sunrise..but then when the mornin star does seem to jump out from behind the humped mountain..with the rest of the sky looking violet,lilac and lavender..the whole effect with the hundred shades of yellow and red jus make u smile with the near perfect round ocean of fire..not a soul aroun u..but the little creatures who sing or cry at the break of dawn..n all this makes me smile..n that breaks my attention n makes me look around and i wish ther was someone to share this smile wit me...i still know i am not alone"jus two of his writings,,thats him the way i have known him all through..and now there is nothin but a blank curiosity to know wats in my mind..wats botherin me..os its the outside world..its his naivity that still keeps me goin..wish he knew...anyways..thats life..

optimism

the title has nothin to do wit me or my state of mind right now..well my state of mind??its wierd i got hostel arrest..for those of u who haven seen this side of earth..its something like when u get grounded at home for doin something real bad..very surprisingly this is not evoking any emotions in me?i am jus blank..totally devoid of any emotions that should come wit it.i realised and have grasped the moral of the story but then again dunno if its the right one..it feels like i am on an island wit absolutely noone around..nobody really to share my thoughts wit and my state of mind..oh and i broke up wit my guy .. but all this again fails to initiate any thing in my head.its wierd and very hard to analyze.its as if i am in the very centre of u huge cyclone wher its as still as anythin.he has lost trust in me and so is nowher around..the interestin part is i dont even know wat is that all about..because all this is happenin i can imagine that i am in shit but if u really ask me wats goin on i wont b able to really tell u wats in my head cause most of the time its jus blank.even now i was sitting in my room on my bed wit some vague music playin..and i dont remember wat i was thinking..funny i know.wish i could get out of this state of mind..some miracle happens..divine intervention..hee hee.sometimes i think that i should jus give up on fightin..u know fightin myself and my thoughts and my feelings..and then jus glide.through and through..but its easier said than done..theres a lot of things that needs to b done before all that...one thing and the only constructive thing that i am doin these days is my readin..yes i am readin julike my coll days.i wish i could start to feel sometime..soon for that matter cause evenwhen i am staring intently at him my mind is jus blank the feelings comin only when there is any change of facial expression from his side..do people who once get into depression ever get out of it??can they jus erase all the thoughts that were goin thru theis head at that time??is it that easy?or??