transition

considerin the fact that my last blog was sometime in september..i felt its high time to share my thoughts definitely once before this year draws to a close..this year my final in college has been pretty smooth..a cople of major setbacks early in the year but slowed down and now its runnin jus fine..
but then the final year of anythin i guess comes wit a lot of confusing decisions..i jus went for my interview wit the Taj a couple of days back..got through the sales devision..ya exactly wat i wanted..but then again didnt i want to go to australia for higher studies..and then here i am after gettin wat i wanted jus as confused as ever..blame my indecisiveness..my mother is of the opinion that i should start puttin an effort towards wat ever i want perhaps then ill appreciate things better after gettin them..but then my point is .if i am gettin them without putting any effort then wat the hell..might as well sit back and enjoy it right??but then that makes me feel a little more wierd coz a start thinkin of all those people who put in so much effort(standin in front of the mirror and practising their speech)and still not gettin anywher..quite pathetic a must say...but dunoo..life is wat it is..so well ill go wit the flow(as always)..my food is here..later yo...trust me there is loads to write in my head..this thing is gonna pull me sooner than i think

simulation

its wierd but if u think about it..perhaps u will know wat i am talkin about here...i believe that perhaps after all life is jus another simulation...its like this another world and not true..for all u know..our dream world is wher we actually are real entities..thats wher our real existense is and this so called life is wat we have as a source of learnin..an experience to understand and analyse..to learn from and better our so called real life..its funny..but its definitely true...atleast it stands that ways for me..
i also,as an after thought believe that the purpose of existense is to analyse our surroundings and real and a higher motif to life..it cant be just this..procreation and subsistense..its not this..there is more to life..simple acts of love and caring can be done by animals also..u dont really need to have brains to do all that..it all comes from the heart ..doesnt it??that power has given us brains for something better..to know and hopefully in one life attain that higher purpose of life...as to wat is the higher purpose of my life??..i am lookin..search me and all ull get it is simple confusin and a mind bogglin unease..an empty pith..a dark hole..relationships..socializing and 'making love',...it gives u peace of mind..and happiness..but it has to lead to a higher entity..perhaps i could write a book on wat i am thinkin right now..coz there is so much to say...but perhaps i should jus let it stay inside me...

its interesting how we, rather i,perceive others around me and also the imp of their presence in my life..how much do people matter to me???a self confessed loner who needs people by her side never the less..funny eh...

trains...

yes..exactly..in the past week or so i think i must have spent like three days in the train..and yes..it gave me wat it always offers me without question..time to think..lots of time..all to myself..jus lyin down in that bed..lookin out of the window(which held only a partial view of the outside world) rain..with the water seepin down making ripples.tiny faint ones...crawlin till the end of time..the faint GMS playin right in the centre of my head(earphones..duh)..it was bliss..i am the craver of lone time..and i loved every minute of that journey..away from everyone..it was this crazy feelin of elated ecstacy and i used every minute of it..
the thoughts that went through my head were crazy..one time thinkin of my future..my career(will i actually have to take up that job as the guard?) and at other times thinkin of my parents..my life back in college and how different it is at home..thoughts and more thoughts developing into feelings and emotions..felt like writing then and there..there was so much in those thoughts that i didnt wanna lose when i got back to civilization(like right now).
its this wierd feelin of losin my thoughts and this whole orientation of mind which might not lead to anything and still kind of disturbs me..
i take my train journeys as this beautiful part of my life experiences...i would never trade them for ever..the journey from delhi to manipal is one thing ill never forget..i have been doin it like every year for the past three years..its like this only connection between the two lives that i lead..and starting from one i almost always have to mentally prepare myself for the comin destination..from being a destitute of one kind to the other..being in one state of mind and living and then shiftin to the other..anticipating new developments and jus a whole new world..a different one each time from the last time i left it...
i really dont know how to wrap up these thoughts so ill jus let them be..later

its been ages since i came here..been in bliss era for quite a while now..at home..yes i know..for the first time i am actually glad to be at home..quite..eveythin taken care of..nothing to worry about really..and the comp to myself..bliss for sure..
lookin at manipal from here i realise that i am gonna miss that place once i get out of it..u know the freedom..that joblessness at uncles..no bother ,stupid ego fights is all ther is to bother u then..once out of there..and man ill be a part of the rat race ..its scary..but its a fact..a part of me doesnt wanna face it..but guess reality it is..and then that vicious cirsle is never gonna stop..crazy..i could do anything to make time stop...well may be not..

passing thought..

prep hols..everyone has gone home..i am as usual stuck somewhere where i dont want to be.hoping but any attempts at leaving would be useless and futile,of no use.cause i would probably see myself crawling back here(out of oblibation) in no time.the effort of a ten days resort to emptiness is of no use wat so ever..i called up ma right now,wanted to speak to pushkar(my bro) and cry my heart out.suddenly no body seems to be around to understand wat i have going in ma head.i have always been a self confessed grappler for 'lone times',but this loneliness seems to be gnawing too hard..just going through every activity with this mundane and usual sense of duty and thereby detachment. these fleeting moments of laughter is absolutely wat it is...fleeting. i try and remember my old times..my yound innocent days..when the heart was full of curiosity and questions,an anticipation of discovery,a subtle understanding that behind that wall there has to something more real and intriguing..there jus has to be something more in store for me..something to help me go on like this stream of water.i would want to open up and discuss my thoughts and feelings wit someone,its like when u have this magnanimous sexual urge ,u can have sex wit anyone and it doesn matter who as long as u dont meet the person before or after the act.but then i realise i would feel more naked and alone,when i reveal myself.a gratuitous act,for the strength and comfort that i am lookinh for,any of these last few illusions of consolation i realise can only be within you.

wonder if anyone is out there..but jus a question never the less..does anyone ever have relationships which are totally free from worldly issues like stealing(and the other ten commandments)..like if u know the person really well..like inside out and all..have had the best and the worst time together..how important it is if the other person fucked up somewhere????is forgiving..or for that matter askin for forgiveness really all that difficult..personally i have never stopped speaking or broken my relationship wit anyone on such issues and even then i cant think of any reason why two people who are so close can jus drift apart like that..trust me i am open to anything u say....

long time..but hey..suddenly i felt myself falling through this dark tunnel..this awesom pit..dark and suffocating..last few weeks have been damn smooth for me..i get up in the mornin ..go for my exams(yes i have exams in my life also)come back sleep..go to the library at four then come back..fuck around and well sleep again..there is this friend of mine..had started to get close..me and her..she spoke to me about her problems..all night long..felt good..and then i gave her the advice that probably she shoul stop seeing her guy for a while cause anyways he was giving her a lot of problems..told her that she should try spending time wit her friends and change her routine a bit..and well she did.but thats the catch..she got back to her old friends who she had spaced out wit over the months..but one of her friends used to be my close friend too..i should be feelin good about it..but suddenly i feel empty..left out..wierd..can make myself be happy about the whole thing..but for wat joy??
i spend most of my time in my room now..iteels good..all by myself.spend time wit myself and my hippo..(my hippo by the way is my lifeline:its this yellow stuffed sweetheart)....its good.

ahhh..

ahhhhh...on to my fantasy machine(this pc to b precise)..my marijuana..my speed wagon..feels goooood.
completely birserk..i made a new discovery today..not really come to think of it..knew about it long time back..but today i put it in practise to my life..actually went up soaring high into the ethereal bizarre space..and looked down at my life from that bunch of floating clouds..ahhh..beautiful view..lots of greenery..dark patches here and there..nothin that cant be remedied..felt good.my life..go on get a positive opinion to wats the most dear thing to u.
the closer u get to ur own life the more distant u grow to facts.
sometimes the closest thing to u lets u go cause of certain unavoidable situations..doesnt mean it can take away ur memories and your thougts and fantasies..and isnt that wat life all about..fantasies and ways of making them come true..so see..in the end u should be a happier and more whole individual..cause nobody can take u away from yourself..(wher to wher..my thoughts i tell u..its like a fast running train..goes through the best parts of the terrain..and then through some rough patches..but still keeps chugging enthusiastically throughout)..nite

wonderland

thats exactly wat this place is...a merry go round..u spin ..go wit the flow..and then when the ride is over its jus simple..u get off and carry on wit ur mundane existence..today was wierd..lost and still very much alive...had an awesomee time..went to girish place again..and ya jus was sitting on the top again ..same open sky and the stars..and my smokes..lots of people..
had a crazy ride back home..zach was driving..crazy..think he was really high..but thats okay..it was awesome twist and turns..nearly fell off at one place..funny.
thought for the day..u always cross the road thinking that the vehicles will not deviate from their path..will explain later.

this coll has given me a lot of things if i look back at it..some fantastic memories..made me meet and get close to some awesome people..see different aspects to the people who in daily life would seem so mundane and distant ..wat life ahead has to offer..(this place can actually be a short preview to that)..it has been a learning experience if nothing else..lots of learning to do..and another thing ..you need to understand that when u r alone u need not be lonely..(i am, sometimes ,to admit the truth) but still one should get over that..
this place..manipal..my home for another one year..(ya well watever)..its a crazy place wit crazy people around..like even as i write this there are people singin at the top of their voices outside..if i would have been my previous self i would have probably gone and sang with them..but now i have changed and like any other loser all i can do is sit and crib..funny me!!!
i went to this friends place today..girish..neat place..awesome view..awesome memories..it was beautiful..sitting there alone..on the top of the terrace..staring at the far distant horizon wit some distant rock playing..jus me,myself and my thoughts..(and my smoke..did i forget that??)ill remember this place..as something that gave me loads( sad times as well as some beautiful ones)..goodnite ..

there are times when i feel lonely and desperate to do things that I want to do..but then all these thoughts(which always seem to come at the wrong time) will come around..and i am impaired..stuck in the middle of time..jus one year left and to lose people now is like crazy..isnt this the time that we make everlasting relationship cause we are old enough and young enough at the same time..its crazy and in the night lying down in bed thinking of such things drives me insane..mayb i am responsible..but still..it does not lessen the hurt..kinda multiplies it to this magnanimous limit which is hard to take after a while..
i am trying..to find solace..but still at times i run out..feel out of breath.
i was reading this book..The Zahir..it talks aboutthis concept of a feeling an entity (if u can call it that) that haunts u all the time..unless u face it..head on it doesnt let u go..stays in your head..stares at u at every corner in every action in every move..for that author it was his wife who had left him..not left really..jus went off in search of self identity..for me ???mayb i know wat it is..but somewher down the line i dont wanna own upto it..the coward that i am..dont wanna face it..and i know till the day i dont..its gonna haunt me..

there is this serenity that comes up these days when i see the one thing that in my BRAIN i dont really wanna see..not givin much importance to the heart really..u must have noticed i dont really introduce my stuff..the stuff that i write i meant..but thats okay..u should understand..sitting here in the hostel room staring at the fan in its constant incessant motion i realise..that even in the life tenure of this fan i am jus a temporary phase..me as an entity is a passing phase..very surprisingly i am not unhappy with that small but significant discovery..
i have started reading like crazy..really.these days thats the only thing that seems to hit me..becom so stone hearted otherwise..highly mechanical..so its books..my nirvana as always..i read this awesom book that i wanna reccomend to whoever..the kite runner..awesom sweet book..its intense and after reading that the whole concept about intensity has metamorphosed.its like talking to someone when u feel like..it tells u stuff that u rally never knew and glad to hear it come up..learn wit every sentence..
there are these moments in life u know when u feel u have had enough and seen enough..dealt wit enough to last a life time..get bugged wit it all..but one needs to understand that there is such thing as hope..our only string to the future..the thin frail HOPE...its interesting cause jus like love even hope is jus a ..ummm..wat to call it..result of human experiences..that ya well keeps u going..hope to see a new day..hope to see the other side of the world..hope to get stuff right wit your family..hope to have a placid existence..hope that everything is gonna be right sometime..but sometimes hope does not deliver and then u r left alone(as always)
u know i play wit that power above..negotiate my fate...like..if this ball goes in the basket then this will happen..otherwise..well let it be types.the interesting part is if it doesnt happen i keep goin..keep throwing the ball..its nice to be negotiating wit Him.
that shuld be it i guess..later

head is too blank to write anything..but still just that...suddenly seem to b void of any opinion....will blog next time..when i have some opinion of something and when i am feeling better...happier..but then..jus aa line of thought..nobody is happy..they are all jus busy.ill explain in my next blog

and so life jus goes on..you know..people..some arbid ones..some close ones..close..ahem..dont really know wat that is..but still would like to believe i care for them..cause isnt that wat life is all about??caring and havin close ones to lose and fuckin your head in the end..makin u see heaven sometimes and then jus simply glidin past never to turn around and look at u again...where am i goin??thats one intriguing thing..you never know where u headed..i seem to b jus crusing through wat ever life has got to offer..cause there is nothin better than jus sittin back and enjoyin wat comes your way..shitty os otherwise..love fuck thats a stupidest fuckin thing man ever came up wit..there seems to b no love amongst animals dude..think about it..its all about caring..no love its us humans who would for our fuckin convenience would like to call it love..but its all man made in the end,some bull shit man's ego fulfilling emotion..pathetic..i dont believe in it..not anymore..used to till a while back..when i suddenly realised how circumstances take over this apparently strong emotion so conveniently..its like this leaf in the wind..totally dependent on the direction and the presence of winds..it flies..circles..high..round and round..and then when the wind ceases to exist..it jus drops..down to mother fuckin earth..not to rise again..till ya when the next wind comes..wierd..but true..all true things are always wierd..unbelieving..the lie always seem to b the truth..and u ju flow wit it..cruise as i said..think..goodnite.