in smoke

the journey of life starts with a cry,
throughout our life looking for the best high.
holding our screams,hiding tears inside,
watch carefully with wide open eyes.
tomorrow that beholds darkness of fear,
past filled with memories and dried tears.
looking for answers that we ll never find,
noone really cares much,well nevermind.
the real you and me sleeps inntoxicated,stoned,
living in man made jungle,sometimes called home.
dying again in agony,pain,tears and we cry,
wasted all our life,looking for the best HIGH

long time

its been ages that i came here..actually had to get a new password(had forgotten my old one)its wierd that i always come here when i am in my most wierd mood ever..its crazy but writin here helps so thats cool i guess..
to update u on wats happenin wit me over the past few months..well..i kinda finished my college life..it was good now to look back..i learnt quite a bit..mostly about people..and about life and solitude and relationships..(yeah nothin to do wit education)..got a job wit the taj hotels in the sales and marketing dept..its okay..still wondering if thats wher i wanna be..coz seriously i am not excited about it..not even apprehensive..nothin drawin a blank as far as that is concerned..
totally lost touch wit my guy..broke up..goin through a nasty time wher that is concerned..i miss him..ha ha ha..
got real close to this friend of mine...was gettin there since ages i think..finally we are on a pedestal..both of us together this time..
left my fav slippers back in the hostel(trust me that hurts)
i miss hostel and mostly my life back there..its crazy when suddenly after a long time of atayin away from home u come back..everythin seems very alien..and u need to retune urself to wat is required out here..its like..everytime i am sittin they are like why u upset which i am not but then whose gonna explain that..and then relatives askin " so why u wearin a toe ring..or so wher do u plan to go from here on..or when u gonna get married"..oh fuck its crazy
my mother is the sweetest though..
ill tell u why i got down to writin this..cause i think i suck at relationships...i fucked up my first guy s life..its been five years since we stopped seeing each other..he seems to have found home in a rehab..my second guy who i love like hell is also gone now..
after gettin back home and constantly goin oput to be wit my frnds for three days i thot i will stay at home jus sp ma who is alone at home(without a car to move arnd in) should not feel lonely even after her daughter has come back..and then i realise she is still not happy..cause i am fallin short somewher(mayb cause i dont talk a lot)..
jeeth..my fav frnd..well i single handedly fucked his life..he used to like me a lot..and i jus couldnt give myself to him coz i always had my guy suhail in my head..so well me and jeeth got close..i used to talk to him about everythin..he became my support system..like wat was i thinkin when i got so close..and then coz he couldnt have me as his girl..he kinda lost it..fuck i am so sorry..i am so sorry ...i didnt want it to turn like that..shit..so thats fucked up too..
i never had a relationship wit my sister so to say..she has always been closer to my cousin than me..i lost out
and then there is thomas..who i adore..but i make him upset too...even though i want him to be really happy in life..i dunno man..i think i suck big time
i wanted suhail also to be set and happy like i had seen him in first year and well all that i did in our four years relationship is fuck him inside out..
akshat..he was this awesom frnd i had..still do i think..we stood by each other through everythin..and then it got fucked..we spaced out..
this is not a guilt trip..its jus a summary of my relationships..and my state of mind..jus a small angle to it..
i hope in future i jus dont get into deep relationshipd coz then i know i am gonna fuck it up big time..like these ppl are who matter to me the most..and this is wher i stand wit all of them.
i dunno man..this is crazy..i really do suck at relationships