long time

its been ages that i came here..actually had to get a new password(had forgotten my old one)its wierd that i always come here when i am in my most wierd mood ever..its crazy but writin here helps so thats cool i guess..
to update u on wats happenin wit me over the past few months..well..i kinda finished my college life..it was good now to look back..i learnt quite a bit..mostly about people..and about life and solitude and relationships..(yeah nothin to do wit education)..got a job wit the taj hotels in the sales and marketing dept..its okay..still wondering if thats wher i wanna be..coz seriously i am not excited about it..not even apprehensive..nothin drawin a blank as far as that is concerned..
totally lost touch wit my guy..broke up..goin through a nasty time wher that is concerned..i miss him..ha ha ha..
got real close to this friend of mine...was gettin there since ages i think..finally we are on a pedestal..both of us together this time..
left my fav slippers back in the hostel(trust me that hurts)
i miss hostel and mostly my life back there..its crazy when suddenly after a long time of atayin away from home u come back..everythin seems very alien..and u need to retune urself to wat is required out here..its like..everytime i am sittin they are like why u upset which i am not but then whose gonna explain that..and then relatives askin " so why u wearin a toe ring..or so wher do u plan to go from here on..or when u gonna get married"..oh fuck its crazy
my mother is the sweetest though..
ill tell u why i got down to writin this..cause i think i suck at relationships...i fucked up my first guy s life..its been five years since we stopped seeing each other..he seems to have found home in a rehab..my second guy who i love like hell is also gone now..
after gettin back home and constantly goin oput to be wit my frnds for three days i thot i will stay at home jus sp ma who is alone at home(without a car to move arnd in) should not feel lonely even after her daughter has come back..and then i realise she is still not happy..cause i am fallin short somewher(mayb cause i dont talk a lot)..
jeeth..my fav frnd..well i single handedly fucked his life..he used to like me a lot..and i jus couldnt give myself to him coz i always had my guy suhail in my head..so well me and jeeth got close..i used to talk to him about everythin..he became my support system..like wat was i thinkin when i got so close..and then coz he couldnt have me as his girl..he kinda lost it..fuck i am so sorry..i am so sorry ...i didnt want it to turn like that..shit..so thats fucked up too..
i never had a relationship wit my sister so to say..she has always been closer to my cousin than me..i lost out
and then there is thomas..who i adore..but i make him upset too...even though i want him to be really happy in life..i dunno man..i think i suck big time
i wanted suhail also to be set and happy like i had seen him in first year and well all that i did in our four years relationship is fuck him inside out..
akshat..he was this awesom frnd i had..still do i think..we stood by each other through everythin..and then it got fucked..we spaced out..
this is not a guilt trip..its jus a summary of my relationships..and my state of mind..jus a small angle to it..
i hope in future i jus dont get into deep relationshipd coz then i know i am gonna fuck it up big time..like these ppl are who matter to me the most..and this is wher i stand wit all of them.
i dunno man..this is crazy..i really do suck at relationships